...Update...
This post is just letting y'all know where im at,
Im like around, ya know, like im here but half the time im really not, ive been trying to stay sane and myself by mixing my ideas with reality,
I sound crazy no? I should care but I dont,
Im literally at the same fucking head space, I dont want to be around anyone, because I dont trust anyone, I just think of the worst happening in every scenario, but i feel like im being realistic and preparing myself because sooner or later the worse happens, might not happen today, or in 6 months from now.... but believe me, it happens!
Someone brought up my last baby the other day..... I think about the situation often. See I dont think my boyfriend was really bothered by it, by I had never went through that before. If i could have one wish it would be for another chance. Id also wish for a home. Ive realized recently that Ive never had one of those..... a home where I was actually looking forward to coming back to. A home where I could find peace and not excuses to stay away from. A home where i feel safe, and not judged all the time. Every past home Ive had, I made people unhappy, I appreciate my family in every way and form, but im tired of feeling like a liability..... where people feel they need to take care of me..... which leads me to why I just want to be alone, people seem like they can't help but to hurt you in some way, and thats okay, let them continue to do so, but I can't take any more hurt from another human being, I can't take another person using me, I can't take another person breaking up with me and moving on like a normal person and I look stupid because Im not even capable of doing that to someone, i can't take another person reminding me of the bad qualities I house, I can't take another person not being happy with me, I tried and every day now, I feel like I could go off or fuck something up at any moment, my boyfriend was right when he told me not to trust people, like anyone, I dont even trust myself to get my shit together, i mean its not like people expect much from me right?!!!
Im like around, ya know, like im here but half the time im really not, ive been trying to stay sane and myself by mixing my ideas with reality,
I sound crazy no? I should care but I dont,
Im literally at the same fucking head space, I dont want to be around anyone, because I dont trust anyone, I just think of the worst happening in every scenario, but i feel like im being realistic and preparing myself because sooner or later the worse happens, might not happen today, or in 6 months from now.... but believe me, it happens!
Someone brought up my last baby the other day..... I think about the situation often. See I dont think my boyfriend was really bothered by it, by I had never went through that before. If i could have one wish it would be for another chance. Id also wish for a home. Ive realized recently that Ive never had one of those..... a home where I was actually looking forward to coming back to. A home where I could find peace and not excuses to stay away from. A home where i feel safe, and not judged all the time. Every past home Ive had, I made people unhappy, I appreciate my family in every way and form, but im tired of feeling like a liability..... where people feel they need to take care of me..... which leads me to why I just want to be alone, people seem like they can't help but to hurt you in some way, and thats okay, let them continue to do so, but I can't take any more hurt from another human being, I can't take another person using me, I can't take another person breaking up with me and moving on like a normal person and I look stupid because Im not even capable of doing that to someone, i can't take another person reminding me of the bad qualities I house, I can't take another person not being happy with me, I tried and every day now, I feel like I could go off or fuck something up at any moment, my boyfriend was right when he told me not to trust people, like anyone, I dont even trust myself to get my shit together, i mean its not like people expect much from me right?!!!
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